Vincent's Talk Show
by Xardas
Summary: What happens when a vampire tries to do a talk show? Read and find out! Enjoy! RnR Plz! A few later chapters contain sexual scenes some people may take offence to... hence the R Rating....
1. Episode one: 'One woman, three men, who'...

Vincent's Talk Show  
  
By Xardas  
  
Episode one: 1 Woman, 3 Men, 'Who's my baby's Daddy?'  
  
Vincent: Hi welcome to the first of my new series of talk shows. I'm Vincent Valentine and let's welcome our first guest, Scarlet!   
  
Scarlet walks in  
  
Scarlet: Hi, glad to be on the show!  
  
Vincent: Ok, Scarlet tell us what happened.  
Scarlet: Well, I have been sleeping with boyfriends I've been meeting at bars and clubs, and I'm pregnant. I want to know who the baby's father is.  
Vincent: Ok, lets welcome the first boyfriend, Cid Highwind!  
  
Cid walks in  
  
Cid: Hi.  
Vincent: Ok, you've been for the tests and we have them here. Anything you want to say before we open it?  
Cid: Yeah, if I am the father I will help it every step of the way in it's life.  
Vincent: Ok, Cid... You aren't the father.  
Cid: Oh, ok I can take that. I SAID I CAN TAKE THAT! Listen to me *Beep*! Come on then!  
  
Cid hits Vincent with a chair, Vincent changes into Chaos  
  
Chaos: Come on then!  
  
Chaos charges at Cid knocking him flying, through the exit  
  
Vincent: Well be back right after this commercial break!  
  
Cid: Commercial, my ass!!!  
  
*Theme tune*  
  
Vincent: Now Scarlet, here's the next possible father. Come out Tseng!  
  
Tseng walks in  
  
Tseng: Hi Vincent.  
Vincent: Ok, take a seat Tseng. We have the results here, anything you want to say before we open them?  
Tseng: Yeah, I hope I am the father. Because it would make me proud and happy.  
Crowd: Awww....  
Tseng: SHUT UP!  
Vincent: Ok, Tseng... Is not the father. How does that make you feel?  
Tseng: Well, like I said, I wanted to be the father but I'm not so... well I'm relived, I've got it done now.  
Vincent: Well, bye then.  
Tseng: Ok, ok, I'm going.  
  
Vincent: Now Scarlet, here's the baby's father, but because that's not certain at the moment, we still ran the tests, so, Rufus come on out!  
  
Rufus comes in, with bodyguards.  
  
Rufus: Hi Vincent.  
Vincent: I've got a quiche in the oven so we'll make it quick, Rufus.... is not the father....  
Rufus: B*beep*  
Vincent: If he's not the father who is?  
Scarlet: I dunno!  
Vincent: How many people did you sleep with?  
Scarlet: I didn't count  
Vincent: How many?  
Scarlet: Fivethousandninehundredandfortythree.  
  
Vincent: We'll be right back....  
  
*Theme tune* 


	2. Episode two: 'My son wants to take over ...

Vincent's Talk Show  
  
By Xardas  
  
Episode two: 'My son wants to take over the world!'  
  
Vincent: Hi! And welcome to my talk show. I'm Vincent Valentine and for you first time viewers I'm the host and yes, I am a vampire! Beat that Jerry Springer! Today we're meeting Jenova who's son wants to take over the world! Tell me more about that Jenova...  
  
Jenova walks in  
  
Audience: *Clap*  
Jenova: Hi! Well, I actually created the world, and my son wants to take over. I told him humans are too civilised and when he came home for tea, he was covered in blood, human blood. He was grounded for a month and he didn't get my trademark triple fudge ice cream for desert.  
Audience member 1: Oh my God! That's horrible! Ahhhh! *Runs out of audience*  
Vincent: Ok, lets welcome Jenova's son, Sephiroph!  
  
Sephiroph walks in  
  
Audience: Boo!!!  
Seph: Shut the f*beep* up!  
Jenova: Ow my little Sephy Wephy! All dressed up for T.V. In his black and blood red coat.... Owwww he's so cute!  
Vincent: Ok, so how long have you been going on mass rampages?  
Seph: Er I started a couple of months ago and like it was good fun, so I tried it again and I was grounded for a month and I didn't get my mum's trademark triple fudge ice cream for desert.  
Vincent: Ok, well it's audience question time, yeah you.  
Audience member 2: Well, you're like sick.  
Vincent: That's not realy a question.  
Audience member 2: You know that's not fair! Why does Timmy always get better stuff than me?  
Vincent: Er... I'm over here! Next question! Screw that, lets have some traditional talkshow violence and swearing! Sephiroph!  
Seph: Yeah?  
Vincent: Your mum!  
Seph: I'll fucking kick your ass! You mother fucking cock sucker! I'll kill all of you donkey raping penguin shit eaters!  
Vincent: Shit can we have the censer on please? Fuck, shit, whore, B*beep*. That's better!  
  
*Throws chair at Seph who's already kicking some public ass*  
  
Vincent: Mother Fo!  
  
*Turns into chaos*  
  
Chaos (REALY deep voice): Mother Fo!  
Seph: Before I die, if I do, this isn't my real face.  
Chaos: Seriously?  
Seph: No I'm just saying to put you off guard now in slow motion I'm gonna impale you with my sword, and I brought my cassette player so I ca play my cool kick ass music too!  
Chaos: But If you impale me I wont be able to continue with my show and the guy who writes this will be p-ed off!  
Seph: So, he's a dick! (He isn't realy -- That guy who writes it) lock who miny spiling mystakes he is being made, WHAT A DUMBASS!  
Chaos: Anywho! We need to roll a D6 for micro wound checks look up the rules on fall back in the codex! *Snort!* (Just getting back   
warhammer 40k geek, fucking criticise me! -- Me)  
Seph: This hasn't helped! I still want to kill!  
  
*Chaos changes back*  
  
Vincent: Well, sorry it hasn't worked...  
Seph: Well the urge has gone now... Thanks!  
Vincent: S'ok, lets go snort some coke! Bye!  
  
*Theme tune* 


	3. Episode three: 'TV wars'

Vincent's Talk Show  
  
By Xardas  
  
Episode three: 'T.V. Wars!'  
  
Vincent: Hi! Welcome to my talk show. I'm your host, Vincent Valentine and I have to go to aa meetings! Today we are going to talk to the president of Shinra, come in Mr. President!  
  
The President walks in  
  
Audience: *Clap*  
President: Hi, err... what's your name?  
Vincent: Vincent.  
President: Any way Vincent, I'm here to settle the dispute between me and my son, Rufus. Every night he wants to watch The Squall Show, you know the guy from FF8? Well I want to watch gardener's world with Cid Highwind but he always uses that blasted dog of his to snatch the remote! You know... what's your name again?  
Vincent: Vincent.  
President: You know Vincent, kids these days...  
Vincent: Ok, lets welcome Rufus!  
Audience: *clap*  
Rufus: Hi.  
Vincent: So how often do these disputes happen?  
Rufus: Quite often.  
Vincent: And I hear you always win....  
Rufus: No! That's not true! He uses his expensive robots that blow up unexpectedly and send a spikey blonde haired guy falling for a mile to his death, and the fall would shatter every single bone in his body, fortunately some small flowers manage to break his fall, and save his life. To stop me from watching T.V!  
President: That's not true..... what's your name again?  
Vincent: Vincent!  
President: Oh sorry Vincent! It's totaly wrong! He snatches it all the time! ..... what's your name again?  
  
Vincent transforms into Chaos  
  
Chaos: VINCENT YOU *beep*HOLE!  
President: You wouldn't dare touch me I'm armed with a weapon which has the ability to vaporise even the biggest Chocobo turd!  
Chaos: You wouldn't dare.  
President: Pull my finger.  
Chaos: Huh?  
President: PULL MY FINGER!  
  
Chaos slowly moves his hands towards the President's index finger, the audience gasps, then he pulls it..... Nothing happens but he starts to turn red.  
  
Audience Member: He's gonna blow! Run for it!  
  
Every one runs out even the camera crew, except for Chaos and President Shinra  
  
President: Unleash the dragon! Pfffft!  
  
Chaos casts barrier, but it's no use, it holds on for a while but it soon goes.  
  
Chaos: I know!  
  
Chaos casts refelct  
  
President: Oh good god no! I'm being gassed out by my own fumes! *Sniff* Mmmmm that's actually quite a nice smell.   
  
*Theme tune* 


	4. Episode four: 'Get off, you bitch'

Vincent's Talk Show  
  
By Xardas  
  
Episode four: 'Get off, you bitch!'  
  
Vincent: Hi! Welcome to my talk show. I'm your host, Vincent Valentine and I'm a train-spotter! Today we are going to talk to Tifa Lockheart who feels her boy friend is cheating on her, come in Tifa!  
  
Tifa comes in  
  
Audience: *Claps*  
Tifa: Hi Vincent.  
Vincent: So how old is your boyfriend?  
Tifa: Twenty one.  
Vincent: Ok and how long have you been suspecting your boyfriend?  
Tifa: A month now.  
Vincent: Ok why have you been so suspicious?  
Tifa: I keep wanting to talk with him but he's always busy going out.  
Vincent: Ok come in Cloud!  
  
Cloud walks in and sits next to Tifa  
  
Tifa: Cloud I've wanted to ask you something but you've been too busy. Are you having an affair?  
Cloud: Yes  
Vincent: Oh my God that's like a record or something! I mean no one has never admitted that quickly!  
Tifa: How could you?  
Cloud: Easy, I went round to her house whenever she was available and boned her!  
Tifa: *Sob*  
  
Tifa blurts out crying  
  
Vincent: Oh my God. Cloud are you feeling ok?  
Cloud: No, not realy.  
Vincent: What happened the night you and Tifa slept outside of the highwind during your pursuit of Sephiroth?  
Cloud: We f*beep!*ed!  
Vincent: Ok... And how did you REALY meet Aeris?  
Cloud: She was a whore in the Sector 7 slums.  
Vincent: And what about the Underwear in the flash back?  
Cloud: I'm wearing it now! It hasn't been washed for 3 years, mmmm... Tifa fresh!  
Vincent: That is not right! And did you realy feel that warm fuzzy feeling in the pit of your stomach called love when you met Aeris?  
Cloud: No I was just hungry.  
Vincent : Any way who did you cheat on Tifa with?  
Cloud: Aeris.  
Tifa: But she's dead!?  
Cloud: I know!  
Tifa: ......  
Cloud: I f*beep!*ed her dead corpse!  
Audience: Ewww!  
Vincent: We'll be right back after this commercial!  
  
*Theme tune* 


	5. Episode five: 'I pity the fool'

Vincent's Talk Show  
  
By Xardas  
  
Episode five: 'I pity the fool!'  
  
Vincent: Hi! Welcome to my talk show. I'm your host, Vincent Valentine and I'm realy Welsh! Today we are going to talk to Barret Wallace who feels he is beginning to walk talk and act like Mr.T from the A-Team, come in Barret.  
  
Barret comes in  
  
Audience: *Claps*  
Barrett: Sup foo!  
Vincent: So how long have you been like this?  
Barrett: What you talkin 'bout?  
Vincent: Actin' like Mr. T?...  
Barrett: I am foo!  
Vincent: Ok.......  
Barrett: No foo! I am! Square cast me as Barrett! Foo!  
Vincent: Realy.  
Barrett: Yeah.  
Vincent: So you are Mr.T?  
Barrett: How many times foo?  
Vincent: 32'll do  
Barrett: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Is that better?  
Vincent: Yeah. You need to see a doctor.  
Barrett: Listen foo! I don't need no doctor! I am Mr.T!  
  
  
Vincent: Ok! Considering that was short we still hive some time left on the show!  
Audience member: Good God no!  
  
Barrett leaves  
  
Vincent: Ok, this is the last episode of series 1.  
Audience: Ahhhh.....  
Vincent: ......  
Audience: ........  
Vincent: ......... so......  
Audience: .........  
Vincent: *Cough*  
Audience: .........  
Vincent: That's all we've got time for se you next season!  
  
*Theme tune*  
  
Camera moves to a big crowd, Vincent seems to be in the center  
  
Vincent: Ok, I'm sorry, but we can't refund your tickets. I'm sorry  
  
Vincent: Look I'm sorry.  
  
Vincent: No I am not a hooker! 


	6. Episode six: 'I like pie'

Vincent's Talk Show  
  
By Xardas  
  
Episode six: 'I like pie'  
  
Vincent: Hi! Welcome to my talk show. I'm your host, Vincent Valentine and I am a chicken! Bock! Bock! Bock! To day we are going to talk to a majorly dysfunctional couple, come on in Cid and Sherra!  
  
(Ed: please don't flame me if I spelt that wrong, please do something useful and let me know about it, please don't use it in your hatred against me, I know I'm the most hated person on this form but that's no excuse.... arghahahahahah... *choke*)  
  
Cid and Sherra come in comes in  
  
Audience: *Claps*  
Sherra: Hi Vincent.  
Cid: I like pie.   
Vincent: Ok.... yeah..... hello, so what's the problem?  
Cid: Mmmm pie!  
Sherra:One night, Cid came home and he wanted pie fo....  
Cid: Mmmm pie!  
Sherra: Ok, he came home and he wanted pie for din.....  
Cid: Mmmm pie  
Sherra: Sorry about him.... any way he wanted a p.......  
Cid: Mmmm pie  
Vincent: Let the lady talk!  
Cid: I like pie.  
Vincent: Shut up!  
Cid: I like donkey pie!  
Vincent: Argh!  
  
Vincent transforms into Chaos  
  
Chaos: Shut up!!!!  
  
Chaos rushes into Cid knocking him off scene  
  
Cid: This is bad pie! I don't like this pie!  
  
Vincent: Go on, finish.....  
  
Sherra runs of crying  
  
Cid: Mmmmmm pie  
Vincent: Will you please shut up!  
The credits roll and theme tune runs  
  
In the background Chaos is pummelling Cid behind the credits, the staff are trying to pull him off but it isn't working. Near the end of the credits Chaos eventualy stops and turns to Vincent. Cid gets up and hits Vincent on the head with one of the chairs  
  
As the credits finish the screen flicks to Cid sat on a chair looking idly into a camera  
  
Voiceover: And now its time for Vincents final thoughts.....  
Cid: Be cool, stay in school.... AND EAT PIE!!!!!  
  
Staff have to pull Cid away from the cameras in a laughing rage 


	7. Episode seven: 'Spam wonderful, Spam'

Vincent's Talk Show  
  
By Xardas  
  
Episode seven: 'Spam wonderful, Spam'   
  
Vincent: Hi! Welcome to my talk show. I'm your host, Vincent Valentine and I like to eat worms! Today we have the owner of sexpill.com, Eric Von Humpalot and an angry customer. Please welcome Eric and Sephiroph  
  
Eric and Sephiroph enter  
  
Audience: *Claps*  
  
Eric: Hello Vincent.  
  
Vincent: Welcome, Sephiroph would you like to tell me what happened?  
  
Sephiroph: Yes, I can. I logged onto my internet e-mail and I recived an e-mail from sexpill.com. It read:  
  
Are you letting your woman down?  
  
You need not worry!  
  
Make your woman squeal with our new viagra medication, add 4 inches! And that's just to the width!  
  
Mail order and we'll get it to you in just 5 working days!  
  
$29.99 a box  
  
So I contacted the company and they sent me the box, I purchased a hooker and took the pills. Oh and I'd like to say thanks to Scarlett, that very hooker. It was a great ride, but I noticed no improvements... no four inch waist.  
  
Vincent: Ok.... yeah..... could I hear more about the hooker please?  
  
Sephiroph: Well they where perky...  
  
Vincent: What where?   
  
Sephiroph: Her melons....  
  
Vincent: Her what?  
  
Sephiroph: Her perky peaches  
  
Vincent: I still don't know what your going on about....  
  
Sephiroph: You know, her Easter eggs!  
  
Vincent: Eh?  
  
Sephiroph: God.... Her milkers!  
  
Vincent: Uh?  
  
Sephiroph: Her titties!  
  
Vincent: Oh right!  
  
Sephiroph: I'll kill you Eric Von Humpalot! A waste of £29.99!  
  
Vincent: Woah! Calm down!  
  
Sephiroph evaporates Vincent, the audience reacts.  
  
So does Eric, he has hurled his fat ass over behind the sofa he was previously sat on and is cowering pathetically behind the chair.  
  
Sephiroph makes a b-line for the camera. We see the view of the camera as it goes down. This is followed by screaming.  
  
The show is cut off by a 'Maintenance Difficulty' sign. It then filickers to the VTS logo. A voice-over begins...  
  
VO: We apologise for any inconvenience but due to the death of Mr. Valentine this show will be replaced by Amateur Anal Teen Up-skirt. Once again we apologise for any inconvenience. 


	8. Episode eight: 'The news then porn'

Vincent's Talk Show  
  
By Xardas  
  
News Bulletin - Read to you by Sara Ford  
  
Sara: The city is being attacked today by a 168" by 35" penis. The public, especially old people have been advised to stay in their homes. The local police force are currently undergoing Operation: Semi Lob-on. The cock has destroyed 3 main buildings including: The Gold Saucer, Fort Condor and has blocked entrance to the mithril mine. The police are worried, in case the cock becomes erect. Ejaculation could mean ruin. The nob-sausage is owned by Sephiroph, who previously threatened the world with a meteor, and attacked Vincent Valentine and the camera crew for his talk show, Sephiroph has grown a huge 30ft as well. Now for the weather with that bimbo slut Jodie Graham... Bitch.....  
  
Jodie: Sara, if you want to sort out that moustache I've got some marvellous creams!   
  
Sara rubs her fingers under nose.  
  
Jodie: And now for the weather....  
  
Sara (under-breath): Home wrecker......  
  
-----  
  
Thank you to the loyal readers who followed this fic, or I should say: Thank you to the people I forced read this under torture. I need friends. Please be my friend I want you to come to my house. Please. Don't go. Please.... Oh it happened again. I will wollow in self-pity. Mmmmm, anti-de-stableised-parlementarial-social-communism. We float face down. People with big feet have big socks, people with big socks have big shoes, and people with big shoes have..... big feet. Endo meki neo beng gi ji yi pi. I live in a homeless shelter therefore I am not homeless. I eat, therefore, I am fat. 


	9. Episode Nine: 'At your funeral'

Vincent's Talk Show  
  
By Xardas  
  
At your funeral  
  
Fade in  
  
Vicar: Today we morn the death of Vincent Valentine. It is a sad day to those who have loved....  
  
Camera on Yuffie who holds her hands about 12" apart looking in the direction of Tifa. With tears in thier eyes.  
  
Vicar: .....and lost. Please rise.  
  
Enter the Pallbearers, Cloud, Cid, Barret and Cait Sith.  
  
Cloud: Vincent certainly put on a lot of weight!  
  
Barret: Your just a pussy, your just a sack'o'bones under those metal plates of yours.  
  
Vicar: Tifa Lockheart would like to share a few words with us....  
  
Tifa: Thank you, *ahem* Vincent was a kind man, he always looked out for us a bit and helped us in our conquest to save the world. He would always give good head in times of doubt.  
  
Yuffie & Cloud: Hey!  
  
Tifa: And I knew that anal sex with him would always be there for me... in the closet, on the bed, under the bed, over a balcony, in the shower, on the sofa and on the kitchen floor were many of the places we would go together on a sexual venture. I will miss Vincent and Master V..... *sob* thats what he called his cock... whenever it was in my mouth he would say, 'Master V loves that!'...Thank you....  
  
Vicar: Okay....... Moving on now..... If Cloud could....  
  
Cloud shakes his, now blushing, head  
  
Vicar: Okay Cid Highwind?  
  
Cid: One sec....  
  
Cid seems to be doing something behind the pew  
  
Cid: Oh yeah....  
  
Cid limps up next to the vicar  
  
Cid: Vincent.... oh I can't do this, ooohhh sweet jesus.....  
  
Vicar: Ok.... lets just get him burried? Yeah....  
  
The coffin is lowered down into the ground  
  
Vincent: Wait!  
  
Vincent has appeared to have run out from the church to the graveyard  
  
Vincent: I am alive! I was never liquidated! I just peed my pants and ran off when the camera was filming that woman who had popped out her dress....  
  
Everyone: Yey!  
  
Vincent: And I still have a contract so I will be back on replacing that new porn show!  
  
Cid: Nooooo!!!  
  
Yuffie: Oh Vincent!  
  
Tifa: Get off him bitch he's mine!  
  
Yuffie: No he likes my pussy he think yours lacks a true minge quality that I have!  
  
Tifa: Ha! I may be shaven but he loves by 30FF's!  
  
Yuffie: Shove it sister!  
  
Yuffie pushes Tifa out the way and starts un-doing Vincents pants  
  
Tifa: Stay away from Master V!  
  
Tifa kicks Yuffie in the face and pulls out 'Master V'  
  
Vincent: No! I was hoping to tell you but.... I'm going out with that pornstar Annika Swellingmuff! Huge titties and pubes.... The best of both worlds.   
  
Vincent does up his pants up and walks up  
  
Tifa and Yuffie are on the floor startled  
  
The group around the grave are gobsmacked  
  
Cait Sith has fallen into the grave  
  
And Cid has his back to the camera making the same noises he was 20 minutes ago.  
  
****  
  
Thanks to Josh who convinced me to get the series going again. Yes there will be another six episodes of VTS! 


	10. Episode ten: 'To save the world, even sh...

Pre-story Author Note: Howdo my fellow geeks, nerds and retards! Your eyes are currently aiming in the direction of your Personal Computer, or work computer (or a laptop which you stole) and are following the text of Vincents Talk Show (just some crap I type because I have no life), Series 2.  
  
The talk show is to be written on a monthly basis (posted on the first saturday of every month) so that I can alienate more people! Ha! Ha! Ha! Hail comrade Stalin! Enjoy!  
  
------ Vincent's Talk Show  
  
By Xardas  
  
Episode ten: 'To save the world, even she needs your help' Warning: this episode contains material, even you, may find offensive....  
  
Vincent: Hi welcome to the first of my second series of talk shows. I am Vincent Valentine and, no, despite the rumors I am not six months pregnant!  
  
This couple are to be broke apart by an evil force but are endlessly kept together by love. Let's welcome our first guests on tonight's show, all the way from a different world, not Newcastle, Tidus and Lady Yuna!  
  
It now apears that the stage has a green and blue flashy, lighty, thingy. It is just in front of the curtains, so they can walk on stage and look like they've warped when actualy they just needed a 5 hour flight.  
  
Enter Tidus and Yuna  
  
Yuna: Hi!  
  
Tidus (his eyes are for some reason just pure white, white with no colour whatsoever): It, was, dream, I dream, was you? Its too cold, too cold, cold, too cold, too warm, warm, cold, warm, cold, heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh.  
  
Vincent: Okay.... calm it blondie.... Yuna could you tell me what this is about?  
  
Yuna: Well, we have been together for....  
  
Tidus: ITSSOVERYCOLDITSSCARYWEAREALLDREAMJUSTWAKEFROMYOURSLEEPYDREAMILOIKEDREAMSIGE TAFUZZYFEALINGINMYSTOMACHWHENIHAVEADREAMSOMETIMESIWAKEUPINAPUDDLEOFMYOWNPEE  
  
Vincent: What the fuck! What is... Why is he doing that?  
  
Yuna: Well he found out that he is just a hallucination created by the Fayth and the....  
  
Vincent: Oh no you don't! No, no! The guy who writes the scripts just cannot be assed writing all that out, and paying monkeys just doesn't makes ratings drop.... I'd sound like blondie here.  
  
Yuna: Well I love him and thats all that matters.  
  
Vincent: Can we get this cock some medication or some medical help?  
  
Tidus is dragged of kicking and screaming by the VTS heavies....  
  
Yuna: He may be freaky but I don't mind nine inches of freakyness!  
  
Vincent: Ha!  
  
Yuna: Why is that funny?  
  
Vincent: Lets just get to why you are here... Why ARE you here?  
  
Yuna: My world is in danger.....  
  
Vincent: Enough of your dramatism get to the point!  
  
Yuna: And I must save it.....  
  
Vincent: What else is new?!?! It happened to us! Is always the end of the world with squaresoft isn't it?  
  
Yuna: Ok... Your starting to sound like Tidus... Hee!  
  
Vincent: Who the fek is Tidus?  
  
Yuna: The guy who came on with me but was taken of because he was acting strange.  
  
Vincent: Oh yeah, blondie... any way enough about him, lets talk about you....  
  
Vincent moves closer to sit next to Yuna  
  
Vincent: Your not like Yuffie.... you don't have a beard. You don't compete with Tifa on the chest, but lets face it, I'd still do you.......  
  
Yuna: Huh?  
  
Vincent: Come on I know you long for me!  
  
Vincent takes a dive to Yuna  
  
Yuna: Ah!!!  
  
Yuna makes a run for it, but Vincent grabs hold of Yuna's yellow ribbon, holding every thing that covers her ahem upper body.  
  
Yuna: Oh no!  
  
Yuna is running through set with nothing covering her breasts but her hands. Camera follows on and so does Vincent. All the men stop to see if they can 'catch a glimpse'. Vincent dives on her and pins her to the ground. The camera blanks off. The camera we now see is that of what the audience see. Nothing just heavy breathing...  
  
Yuna: Ah my knees!  
  
Vincent: You like that?  
  
Yuna: It hurts my knees but its actually the best I've had!  
  
Vincent: Groan Oh yeah....  
  
Yuna: Actualy come to think of it, its the first I've had!  
  
Vincent: Oh yeah, crap, your bleeding....  
  
Theme tune  
  
---  
  
Suggestions welcome just post 'em on the end of your review. Chow! 


	11. Episode Eleven: 'Victims of Lesbianism'

Vincent's Talk Show  
  
By Xardas  
  
Episode Eleven: 'Victims of Lesbianism'  
  
Vincent: Hi welcome to our second episode of series two! I am Vincent Valentine and I come from up north like! Seems a gripping love triangle which MADE FF7 had finally ended and today we are going to find out exactly what's going on.... could you please welcome our guests Cloud, Tifa and Aeris....  
  
(yeah she's dead yada yada yada... I dunno she was re-awoken by a magic machine... woooooo!!!)  
  
Enter Cloud, Tifa and Aeris  
  
It appears Tifa and Aeris are holding hands  
  
Cloud sits away from Tifa and Aeris  
  
Tifa and Aeris move close  
  
Cloud: shudder  
  
Vincent: Okay, so what happened to the gripping triangle of love?  
  
Tifa: In an alcohol fuelled argument about who Cloud loves the most, Aeris and I began to fall for each other. We where at the Gold Saucer hotel at the time and we ended up sleeping in the same bed.  
  
Cloud: sob  
  
Aeris: We enjoyed each others 'company' over being with Cloud so we kicked him out of the equation...  
  
Vincent: What the fuck!? You don't even get to watch??  
  
Cloud: No... I never saw this coming..... I wished they were fighting over me like the good ol' days... with the slapping, the cat fights, the slagging each other off.... Bitch, slag whore and so on. I cry myself to sleep because the only straight booty left now is Yuffie.... and she can grow a 'tash  
  
Vincent: Poor guy.... I'm glad I dumped Tifa when I did....  
  
Tifa: We love each other and that's all that matters! You just want to play with my swollen breasts.... we love each other and take simultaneous masturbation to new extremes.....  
  
Vincent: That was something we didn't need to know.... this is a family show... some how....  
  
Cloud has broken down and is in tears.....  
  
Cloud: Its just the thought of what they get up to... with out me present!!  
  
Vincent: ......there there.... cheer up... at least you've got cable....  
  
Cloud: That's not funny..... I'm not a perv... I just want to participate.... That's all.... But these moody feminist lesbians wont let me....  
  
Aeris (moody): We're not moody!!  
  
Tifa: Calm down, its ok, just ignore him... its just because he can't have this...  
  
Tifa kisses Aeris, it gets a bit more intense as Aeris kisses back. They begin to clearly use tongues, OUTSIDE of their mouths. Aeris gropes Tifa's breasts and they both moan.  
  
Vincent: Okay, okay, save it for after 12pm, okay?  
  
They break up  
  
Cloud is now in tears  
  
Vincent: Okay that's the end of the show, tune in next week!!! Same time, same channel! Could I see you two girls in my dressing room after the show? I could do to talk about some 'issues'....  
  
Theme tune  
  
(Warning: These next scenes contain adult material... so read on!) The camera continues rolling after the credits, but every one has gone.... The camera is being lifted of its tripod and moved backstage. After a few turns through several corridors, the camera arrives at a door with the name Vincent Valentine written on it. The door is locked but the mic on the camera picks up what is being said inside...  
  
Click Click  
  
Tifa: Moan  
  
Click  
  
Vincent: Yeah, could you move around a little?  
  
Click  
  
Tifa: Moan  
  
Click  
  
Vincent: Yeah like that.....  
  
Click Click  
  
Aeris: Oh God yeah!!  
  
Click  
  
Vincent: If you want to swap around....  
  
Click  
  
Vincent: Yeah that's it squeeze her... a real firm grip...  
  
Click  
  
Tifa: Ohhhh!!!  
  
Click  
  
Aeris: Ohhhh yeah....  
  
Tifa: Moan  
  
Click  
  
Aeris: Where do you want it?  
  
Tifa: Further up  
  
Click  
  
Aeris: There??  
  
Tifa: Up!  
  
Aeris: Moan  
  
Tifa: That's the one!! Oh please more!!  
  
Aeris: Oh sweet Jesus!  
  
Tifa: Heavy Groaning  
  
Click  
  
Tifa: Mmmmmmm.....  
  
Click Click Click Click 


	12. Episode Twelve: 'The Legend of Rosiana'

Vincent's Talk Show  
  
By Xardas  
  
Episode Twelve: 'The Legend of Rosiana'  
  
Vincent: Hi welcome to the third episode of series two!! I'm Vincent Valentine... hibbidy jibbedy WHAAAAT!!! Heres our guest for the show, the self-convinced writer, Ashley!!  
  
Ashley walks onto stage  
  
Ashley: Hi, I'm sooo happy to be on the show, I love it as much as I love my own books, ok maybe not, my books are really good even though they mean nothing and are used professionally as the cure for insomnia!!  
  
Vincent: Ok, so tell us about your books!  
  
Ashley: Oh! Nows my time to bore you on how wonderful it my Legend of Rosiana story is!! A beautiful dragon made of rose petals that created a wondrous Utopai! I wrote that word by throwing scrabble tiles on my desk! how fun! Whats a Utopai? you idiots! its called education! hebbyhebbyblibblywibbly! But then Utopai was over runned when Odegimor showed his face and destroyed everything! oh the planet of Esunia, the word that I stole from final fantasy, which holds my lover Tom, whos name fits in no way whatsoever with everything else, but that's because he needs to be called Tom to stimulate my fantasies about this boy at my school who's cock I want!! He will protect me when the rose dragon man comes!! cobbly wobbly bobbly. In my story Final Fantasy VII's world was created by him along with FF VI, FF IX, and well maybe others!  
  
Vincent: Highly unlikely... some hyperactive 7 year old girl whos had a taste of sugar could not create a complex fantasy world with creatures who change colour when they become more difficult to defeat!  
  
The crowd cheer in agreement to Vincent's defence

Vincent: So any who what is this story about?

Ashley: ...well as I said before....

Vincent: Oh yeah you already said!

Ashley: Yeah but there's more to...

Vincent: Yeah but no one cares!

Ashley: I do!

Vincent: And who else other than the person who wrote this book likes it?

Ashley: Steve....

Vincent: And he is.....?

Ashley: My imaginary friend....

Vincent: We'll be right back!

Theme tune

Vincent: Hey! Welcome back! I'm here with my brilliant guest, Ashley, a self-obsessed left right wing communist and right wing nazi wannabe politician.

Ashley: No! I'm a writer!

Vincent: Yeah that's what I said...

Ashley: No its not...

Vincent: Yeah it is... Think about it! any who we are actually a little run over by time... and, well, you've embarrassed yourself enough... so bye bye

Ashley is hastily ushered off stage...

Vincent: Ciao!! (to camera) See you next time!

Theme Tune


End file.
